The mass propagation of college football bowl games has reached the point of absurdity. Being chosen to play in some of the bowl games is almost comparable to getting a participation trophy on a six-year-old soccer team. So, let me pile on with some other bowl games we might want to see in coming years…
H & R Block Rebate Bowl: Accountants will do your taxes during the game. Every penalty gives you another deduction.
Ex-Lax Poo Bowl: No passing allowed—only runs.
Endo Pharmaceuticals Percocet Bowl: Nobody cares about the game, not even the players and coaches, but nobody cares that they don’t care about the game. Game? What game?
Victoria’s Secret Thong Bowl: No jock straps, only thongs. One string attached. No secrets here.
7-Eleven Crapshoot Bowl: Every play is determined by a roll of the dice.
Maker’s Mark Bourbon Bowl: Players and coaches take shots for every point scored. Also known as the Pass Out Bowl.
Kleenex Snot Bowl: The field has a gentle soaking of green slime.
United States Postal Service Slow Delivery Bowl: Every pass is thrown behind the receiver—WAY behind the receiver.
Little Caesar’s Brute Bowl: Players and coaches et tu slices of pizza after each possession.
Tampax Tampon Bowl: Players pay homage to women’s rights. I’ll let you speculate on exactly how.
Green Giant Pea Bowl: All post-touchdown celebrations are required to be some variation of a pee-pee dance.
YellaWood Coward Bowl: Defensive players carry two-by-fours and threaten the offense to make a play.
Fleet Colon Cleanse Bowl: Free pre-game, halftime, and post-game enemas.
American Airlines Flight Delay Bowl: For every five minutes the game clock moves forward it moves back two.
Vick’s Cough Drops Phlegm Bowl: Players and coaches must have a chest cold to qualify. Extra points for sputum.
Cisco Systems Pancho Bowl: Helmets are replaced with sombreros.
Trojan Prophylactic Bowl: Players required to wear latex body suits.
Apple Adam & Eve Bowl: Players’ uniforms are made of fig leaves.
Sound Off Muffler Poot Bowl: All signals to hike the ball must be made by the quarterback’s flatulence. The football is inflated with methane. Try farting “Omaha” Peyton.
3M M-M-Mel Bowl: Stutter plays abound. The time clock starts and stops randomly. Half-time show is 100 Mel Tillis impersonators singing “M-M-M-My Sharona”.
Oscar Meyer Cocktail Weenie Bowl: All players are Pee Wee Herman look-a-likes.
Exxon Valdez Bowl: Field is soaked in crude oil.
General Electric Lit Up Bowl: Helmets topped with flashing disco balls. Vodka replaces Gatorade. Yee-haw!
Hoover Vacuum Suckin’ Bowl: The worst players in the NCAA make up two teams of losers.
Tesla Recall Bowl: Every play is under review.
Texas Instruments Cattle Prod Bowl: Uniform pants equipped with electric shock devices in the butt, remotely controlled by geeks in the coaches’ box.
T-Mobile Trailer Park Bowl: Game intermittently interrupted by tornadoes, floods, and hail. Players must be visibly missing at least three teeth.
Siemens IUD Bowl: Quarterbacks protected from penetration.
Budweiser Beer Bowl: Helmets replaced with 48-ounce beer caps, refilled twice each quarter and three times at halftime.
Gibson Guitar Pickin’ & Grinnin’ Banjo Bowl: Uniforms replaced by overalls. Halftime show is a reunion of the surviving cast members of “Hee-Haw”.
Uber Doobie Bowl: Marijuana breaks for players, coaches, and fans after every first down. The halftime show? You guessed it: The Doobie Brothers.
Home Depot Nuts & Bolts Bowl: Cleats replaced by actual nuts and bolts.
Fox Fair & Balanced Bowl (aka, Fantasy Football): Blatantly biased officials who change allegiances at the drop of a flag. Must have officiated at least 6 Alabama games.
Xerox Copycat Bowl: Players have identical uniforms with the same number.
International Paper Origami Bowl: Footballs for the kicking game replaced with those little paper triangles junior high boys make to play football in math class.
Tidy Bowl Toilet Bowl: The two teams with the worst records meet on the gridiron. Winners celebrate by getting flushed through a giant waterslide that looks like a toilet.
I’ll stop there…for now.
…and that’s the view from The Balcony.
