In recent months Top Secret documents have been found in the residences of former President Donald Trump, President Joe Biden, and former Vice President Mike Pence. A Local Voice deep state/dark web investigation has scooped major media giants, learning the exact content of some of these documents. In this exclusive report, TLV reveals its findings, described by TLV Publisher, Newt “Cooter” Rayburn as “…earth-shattering, unprecedented, and downright stoopid (sic).” TLV Editor-in-Chief Nature Humphries, quoting from the film Forrest Gump, echoed Rayburn’s assessment: “Stoopid (sic) is as stoopid (sic) does.”
As a result, the FBI expanded its search to include all living former presidents and vice presidents. Here are some of the findings:
Documents discovered in former Vice President Pence’s home included 24 volumes of Evangelicals Exposed: The Protestant Playboy, and the strategic plans for protecting Donald Trump’s hairstyle, code name: Operation Combover. Tucked inside a carved-out Bible was indisputable evidence that Hot Mike Pence is, in fact, the real Mike Pence.
Documents found in former President Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate included three dozen file boxes of hand-written notes on conspiracy theories and witch hunts. Among them were files confirming that JFK, Elvis, and many other thought-to-be-deceased celebrities are alive and well on the dark side of the Moon. In addition, Trump’s well-used membership card in Anglo-Saxons Anonymous was discovered.
In Joe Biden’s home there were files on a clandestine investigation into the University of Tennessee Butt-Chugging Scandal. An annotated owner’s manual for Biden’s Corvette turned up with the following having been sloppily redacted: “Never to be kept in a garage that also contains classified documents.” The manual is believed to be a coded record from the UFO crash at Area 51 in 1947. So far the only thing successfully decoded is the entry, “Watch for the Trojan balloon in 2023!” Thus far the Biden administration has not released any information as to whether the Chinese balloon was carrying actual Trojans or not.
A search of Barack Obama’s home turned up sixty-six birth certificates from around the globe, suggesting that Obama was conceived during a swingers’ party with George and Weezy Jefferson, and Archie and Edith Bunker. Also discovered were birth certificates of Donald Trump, proving that his parents weren’t black, brown, red, yellow, or white, rather from a thought-to-be-extinct line of orange humanoids known for, well…being orange. They are first cousins to orangutans but lack the same brain capacity.
Jimmy Carter was found to have transcripts of interrogations of Mr. Peanut who was accused of being a double agent (code name: Goober), in which he was boiled, roasted, parched, creamed, and trapped between two slices of white bread with grape jelly. Mr. Peanut was eventually released but still walks with a cane and needs a monocle to see well.
Dance instruction videos accompanied by printed dance steps on a 12’ X 12’, never used floor mat were found in Al Gore’s home. A map to the location of the last of the Mohicans was also discovered.
A search of Dan Quayle’s home yeilded 5,000 pages of the handwritten sentence, “There is no ‘e’ in potato,” signed off on by then President George H. W. Bush. Also found were, notes on a research project assigned to Quayle: the fictional Cuban Mistletoe Crisis.
Bill Clinton was found to have a cassette tape of him practicing saying, “I did not have sex with that woman” in 69 different ways before he was interrupted by Hillary, armed with a butcher knife signed by Lorena Bobbitt. Also found was an unsmoked stash of “flavored” cigars.
George W. Bush’s home contained 360 hours of videos of Bob Ross trying to teach Bush how to paint, as well as a never-read copy of Public Speaking: How to Address a World-wide Audience and not Sound Like an Ignoramus.
Dick Cheney was hiding an unproduced video game in which he takes world leaders, one at a time, on hunting trips that turn into shootouts. Detailed plans for a scavenger hunt to find weapons of mass destruction (WMD) in various locations around the globe were also unearthed.
Kamala Harris had sketches of how she plans to remodel the Oval Office and the introduction to a yet-to-be-written autobiography with the working title of My 16 Years as President.
Watch for more developments in the next edition of The Local Voice and breaking news about what flies in our skies.
…and that’s the view from The Balcony.
Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, and an actor. Once opened, his Top-Secret documents will self-destruct in 5 seconds. Randy may be reached at randallsweeks@gmail.com.
