In a bold, brave, brazen, and bodacious order, Judge Rob Leonard has banned the purchase of the Elf on The Shelf in Cobb County Georgia. At least it wasn’t Mississippi this time.
Here’s what Judge Leonard wrote in a tweet:
“Tired of living in Elf on the Shelf tyranny? Not looking forward to the Elf forgetting to move and causing your kids emotional distress? I am a public servant and will take the heat for you. My gift to tired parents. P.S. – If you love your elf, keep your elf. No contempts.” (12:12 pm, November 4, 2021, from Marietta, Georgia)
Judge Rob went on to explain that his three daughters once went to school in tears because their Elf on the Shelf presumably did not move during the night. What the judge did not say is that he had witnessed their Elf turn on “Blue Christmas” and dance like a banshee before returning to his original spot. He did not tell his daughters because he was a Grinch in a robe. Even his court staff calls him “Ebenezer Screwed” behind his back.
The judge’s daughters were permanently scarred by the event. For years one of them went around the town on Christmas Eve, cutting the power cords on exterior displays of Christmas lights. A second daughter was notorious for sitting in every mall-Santa lap she could, gyrating spiritedly, pouring warm water on Santa’s crotch, and screaming, “Pervert! You tried to …! Damn you, you old pervert!” His third daughter broke into houses and hanged the Elves on the Shelf outside the bedroom doors of the children there.
What we have here, dear friends, is a small man with a little power, visiting his own trauma and vindictiveness upon all within his teeny-weenie fiefdom. How do I know this? Research.
When Judge Rob was himself a young boy his parents had an Elf on the Shelf that looked like Elvis and sang “Blue Christmas” when you pulled its cord. But they didn’t know that they were supposed to move the Elfis around the house every night. Their Elfis was bent and kept falling off their mantle, so they superglued it there. Every morning little Judge Rob would get up and see that Elfis hadn’t moved. Within a week little Judge Rob was severely depressed.
One morning little Judge Rob broke. He went into a rage, grabbing a kitchen knife, screaming obscenities, and slashing poor Elfis to pieces. Still, Elfis’ butt clung to the mantle. So little Judge Rob found a hatchet and hacked away at the mantle until all that was left was a pile of toothpicks, some of them with Elfis’ cotton butt-stuffing on one end, which is, by the way, how we got Q-Tips.
When little Judge Rob got out of the institution for treatment for Elfisontheshelfalphobia, he did well. He could tolerate the little buggers in small doses. When his wife, who knew nothing of this, brought an antique Elfis home one day, Judge Rob was thrown off balance. He hid it well for a while, but eventually the demon of Post-Traumatic-Elfis-Disorder reared its ugly head and Judge Joe decided to pass it on to his daughters.
But the story does not end there.
Judge Rob was consumed with guilt and wanted to protect all children from Yuletide trauma. He tried to ban just about every toy that had the slightest possibility of hurting the fragile psyches of “his” children from Cobb County Georgia. His list included toys such as: Malibu Barbie (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), Tickle-me Elmo (Sadistic Personality Disorder), Mr. Potato Head (Psychotic Delusional Disorder), and the Jack-in-the-Box (Scare-the-living-s**t-out-of-me-you-creepy-clown Disorder). Thankfully his staff was able to talk him down from the judicial ledge and confine his order to the Elves alone.
Judge Rob is now receiving treatment again, this time at Graceland. He’s being immersed in all things Elfis in hopes that he will rebuild his tolerance of the Elf on the Shelf. Every day he dresses as an elf, sits on a mantle in the Jungle Room, and plays “Where’s Elfis?” with his therapist who is also dressed as an elf.
As for Cobb County Georgia, a second judge overturned Judge Rob’s order, resulting in so many Elf on the Shelf sales that the manufacturer is having to work 24-7 to keep up with the demand. Is this a great country or what?
So, joy to the world! Deck the halls and have a holly jolly Christmas, y’all! And don’t forget to move your Elfis around!
…and that’s the view from The Balcony.
Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Shamanic Life Coach, an ordained minister, a singer-songwriter, and an actor. He’s never had an Elf on the Shelf, which explains much. Randy may be reached at randallsweeks@gmail.com.
