WTF News by Sherman Smithers
OXFORD, MISS. (WTF) – After spending six years amongst a motley crew of so-called brothers, a futon covered in vomit and debris was thrown into a dumpster behind City Grocery on Monday.
The original owner, Eric Samuels, 24, was sad to witness its demise. Eric had originally purchased the lime green futon in 2005 from a freshmen drop- out who was returning home.
“That guy was an idiot. He sold it for 20 bucks and we had only been in school for like 3 weeks,” Samuels remarked. Samuels then transported the quixotic futon to his Stockard dormitory room where it lay for the rest of the semester.
“That baby saw some pristine action. Lots of ladies,” Samuels fibbed.
Damon Bushing, 23, remembers the day he received the futon. Bushing had met Samuels while detained in the Lafayette County Detention Center. From that night forward, the two remained close friends. The day Samuels gave Bushing the futon remains a cherished memory.
“It was in near-perfect condition. Almost as if nobody had ever touched it. E-man practically gave it to me. I just had to buy him a 12-pack at the Brittany Store,” Bushing said. The two somewhat brothers drank Steel Reserve Beer to consummate the occasion while watching reruns of “Northern Exposure.”
A year later, Bushing was moving to The Links and wanted to get rid of the futon since its color had changed thanks to Holly Hammonds who couldn’t hold her liquor. Bushing convinced Porter Chavis, 23, a fraternity brother, to assume the reins.
“Damon walked up to me at Spring Formal and said we needed to speak privately. I was tired of my date anyway so I excused myself and followed Damon into the laboratory. That’s another word for bathroom in case you didn’t know,” Chavis said. “Damon had this eerie look in his eye and asked me if I would follow him into battle. I was like ‘what?’ and he screamed at me again, ‘Are you prepared for battle?’ I was like, ‘I guess so.’ He then told me that he was willing to give me his most prized possession. I think he may have been drunk. The next thing I knew, I was the owner of an olive green futon.”
Chavis moved the futon to Campus Creek, where it witnessed hours and hours of Mario Kart 64. The futon was present when Alfie Mitchell, 22, a transfer from Mercer, set the all-time record on Royal Raceway.
“I’ve never seen anyone drift like that,” Travis said. Travis later dropped out of Ole Miss after failing to fully comprehend the complexities of hospitality management. He stayed in Oxford for two more years, subjecting the futon to other Nintendo 64 sessions and numerous bong water spillages. It wasn’t until 2009 when Chavis contacted Brennan Sims, 23, a fellow employee at the now defunct Downtown Grill.
“He told me he had the gift of a lifetime- an almost brand new futon for the low, low price of $30. I questioned his veracity, but I knew the man was desperate so I took him up on his offer. Besides, I knew he was about to get fired,” Sims said. Sims threw the futon in the back of his truck and drove it to his residence on Pierce Avenue. The futon served as a wonderful addition to his back porch and was used constantly during many a late night. It wasn’t until last week that he decided to put the futon to rest.
“I was offered a sous chef position at a restaurant in Tupelo and I really hated to let it go. This baby has a lot of history,” Sims said while holding back tears. The now hunter green futon was placed into a dumpster as friends and family held a candle- light vigil. All of the previous owners were present for the truly moving ceremony. They locked arms and told war stories about the ‘ole lunk.
Unbeknownst to them, the futon was relieved. 
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This article was originally printed in The Local Voice #140 (published September 22, 2011).
