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In the most recent TLV Local Favorites Awards, Carter Wilkes and Whit Hamilton walked away with the distinction of Oxford’s best-kept mustache and beard, respectively. Caleb Fisher-Wirth sat down with Carter (Local Voice Q&A mainstay) and Whit (guitarist of Midnight Fistfight and bartender at Second Line and The Wine Bar) to talk philosophoy and faux pas of the facial hair lifestyle.
Caleb Fisher-Wirth: Hi guys. Could you clear off a seat for me?
Carter Wilkes: Sure.
Whit Hamilton: [Glares menacingly.]
CFW: Applause.
CFW: How often do you wash your facial hair? Do you treat it differently from the hair on top of your head?
CW: I prefer to water my mustache twice a day, but never after midnight.
WH: That’s pretty good advice. I usually wash mine about three times a week, maybe four. You don’t brush it too often, just a couple times a day.
CFW: Natural oil, or additives? Are there any products that you’d recommend?
CW: I’m not an advocate of products, but in a pinch a little bacon grease has the perfect amount of hold.
WH: I like the mayonnaise also. It’s a good touch.
CFW: Get your viscosity back in check?
WH: Yeah, you’ve gotta restore a little bit.
CFW: What is your daily grooming and styling process like?
CW: I just comb.
WH: Yeah I just wet it and set it.
CW: Yeah. Set it and forget it.
CFW: What are your tools of the trade? What kind of trimmer do you use? How do you detail your man-mane?
CW: I use a tiny pair of scissors when I can, but a buck-knife will also do the trick.
WH: Yeah, if I have on pants I typically have a nice sharp knife on me, that’ll do.
CFW: Do you have any tips for getting over the awkward beginning phases, for anyone that wants to grow their own mustache or beard?
CW: You really just have to grin and bear it. The best things come to those who wait.
CFW: Tell your friends you have mono, maybe?
WH: My best advice for new beginners, is probably to get the loudest pair of speakers that you can, and just blast EyeHateGod and Crowbar directly into your cheeks. When you feel nauseous, you’re getting somewhere.
CFW: What are some common rookie mistakes? Do you ever look at people and just kind of shake your head?
WH: I’d have to give anybody a little bit of an A for effort, but outside of that, some people just shouldn’t, you know? This sort of responsibility…
CW: Right, it’s not for everybody.
WH: It’s not for everyone.
CW: But if it’s good enough for Burt Reynolds, it’s good enough for me.
CFW: Words to live by. Do you have a bear skin rug at home?
CW: I do.
CFW: What is the craziest thing you’ve ever found nested in your facial hair?
CW: A cigarette butt.
WH: A Halls cough drop wrapper.
CW: I actually found some chewing gum in my mustache one time. But it was mine, so…
CFW: So that’s how that happened.
CW: Right.
CFW: Do you have any tips on the proper way to eat soup?
CW: Soup and chicken wings are best eaten in the privacy of your own home. And before a shower.
WH: I’m not gonna have to disagree with the man, but my stance is a little more lax. I generally just don’t care. You can always just give it a little wipy-poo when you’re done there. Just f*** it.
CW: I just generally don’t do that anymore, as a public service.
CFW: A straw, maybe?
WH: Nah. Smaller spoons are a good option. But the wings thing, you’re just gonna have to grin. Just go for it. I once saw a guy with a really big mustache take a couple of little girls’ clippies and just clip it up. It’s like, “Nah, that’s not the way to go.”
CW: That’s innovative.
WH: I will say right now, something I think it’s very important I stress: Beard baubles, glitter beards, flower beards – none of that shit’s okay. Like, I don’t care if it’s your girlfriend’s idea or not, you have to have a little respect for yourself.
CW: Luckily I’ve never even heard of any of that.
WH: If it’s a Viking braid, and it’s got one fat ass bead on it, that might be excusable.
CFW: If it’s like a small animal skull or something?
WH: But decorating a beard for holidays, or letting girls put flowers in it… That shit doesn’t stand man.
CFW: Has the Charlie Chaplin look been forever tarnished by the Hitler association? Or could it make a comeback some day?
WH: No, I think I definitely know several people that absolutely could and should do that.
CW: It’s a bold move, but it will come back.
WH: Fashion is cyclical.
CFW: Are there any other styles of facial hair that you think should be off limits?
CW: The goatee, in general.
WH: Yeah, the goatee’s not a good choice for anybody, I think.
CW: Can you print the phrase “dick target” in the paper?
WH: It does kind of look like a hairy little butthole.
CFW: I think it kind of makes you look like a Satanist, you know?
WH: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. As a matter of fact, as someone who actively appreciates Satanic things, I’m gonna have to ask that you not associate goatees with it.
CFW: It’s just like the old stereotype, you know? You’d have the guy with the black turtleneck and the bald head, maybe some sort of large pendant necklace?
WH: Of course. That may be the only time it’s acceptable, actually.
CFW: Do you notice that parents seem more uncomfortable leaving you with their children since you grew out your facial hair?
CW: That was happening long before I had facial hair.
WH: I remember once, when I had what I would refer to as a “Full Manchu,” so it wraps from here to here, but nothing on the chin? I had also about a half a foot mohawk. This lady would come by every morning, and she stopped. I asked her, and she was like, “Well, you looked more like you were gonna eat the baby than be sweet to it.” So, the “Bam-Bam Bigelow” is also kind of off limits, on that note.
CFW: When was the last time you tied someone to a train track?
WH: I think that’s more of a Carter question. I only twist my mustache up for holidays.
CW: [pause] What time is it? That’s my answer.
WH: Some people may have referred to me as dastardly, but I prefer the term “Deviant.”
CFW: And finally… Are you in fact someone else’s evil twin?
CW: I refer to it as “stunt double.” 
