Gremlins (1984)
When I think of Christmases past, I remember watching hundreds, nay thousands, of small green monsters killing most of the people in Small Town, USA. The best part is they never stop laughing while they kill pets, throw an old lady out of her third story, or drive a snow plow through her house. But they also stop to do some caroling door-to-door, and that lets me know they really care. So next time your Mogwai asks for food at 1 am, leave the bucket of chicken in the fridge.
Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984)
If you have ever thought, “Man, I wish there was a holiday film where Santa got offed over and over. Then I get to listen to some lady sing, then back to watching more Santa death,” then maybe you should open this one early. But if you’re not sick in the head you may just want to leave this one under the tree.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He also knows how to kill. And if you’re “naughty,” Old Billy (that’s right, in this flick Santa’s real name is Billy) will punish you. Punish might not be the right word—more like murder. That’s the only gift this Santa is throwing down the chimney.
Elves (1989)
One may decide to watch a film where elves try to save Christmas or to leave Middle Earth. But me? I like my elf movies to have Nazis— they’re at it again, trying to breed elves and people, and trying to take over the world. Nazis never just hand out cookies.
Jack Frost (1997)
Ole Frosty is okay, I guess. But if you’ve never seen a snowman kill and destroy lives, this is the movie for your next Christmas party. Just remember not to make any snowmen—if you feel you must, make sure to hide anything he could use against you and keep a snow shovel where he can see it…he’ll know what it means.
The Gingerdead Man (2005)
You like cookies. I like cookies. And so does Gary Busey—well, that, and killing people. And like Charles Lee Ray (the guy who became Chucky), Busey is at the end of the mortal rope and must be put down. But with the help of a little witchcraft and a dash of crazy, Busey is back in the form of a killer cookie, and no glass of milk is going to stop this confectionary terror.
P2 (2007)
A parking garage on Christmas Eve, that’s where we start this movie. And right now you’re thinking, “Grant, please tell me some crazy guy is chasing a business woman around said garage all night, thus preventing her from getting her presents and pie?” Yes, yes. There is about an hour and a half of crying and an overall loss of hope.
The Children (2008)
Yeah, you could watch a movie about children having magical adventures with snowmen and reindeer, or you could watch one about kids trying to off their parents who are not only desperate to save their own lives but the lives of their children as well. Ah, the magic of Christmas…
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