Tune in to a television news show, especially on Sunday, and you’ll encounter it. It happens on FOX. It happens on CNN. It happens on ABC. It happens on NBC. It happens on CBS. It happens on just about every single news broadcast, sometimes even on PBS, NPR, BBC, ad infinitum, ad nauseum—ESPECIALLY AD NAUSEUM!
Of what am I writing? The constant, habitual, relentless, obstinate, perpetual, persistent, dogged, adamant, stubborn, tenacious interruptions of those who are talking—and, yes, I used a thesaurus—especially when there is a panel discussion. This annoys the hell out of me. It undercuts any and all continuity of thought as panelists vie for the spotlight and everyone intrudes on the other, stepping all over each other’s words. ENOUGH ALREADY!
In my counseling practice with couples the number one issue they bring to me is poor communication. Both of them have points to make and come hell or high water they’re going to make them. Defensiveness abounds, changing subjects and leaving no room for listening without judgement.
If a doctor taps your knee with a rubber hammer your leg pops out involuntarily. That’s a reaction you cannot control—a true knee-jerk reaction. If a doctor asks you to raise your leg and you do, that’s a voluntary movement that you can control.
There is an art to listening and there is an art to responding. If you really want to learn how that works do an internet search for “active listening” and “reflective listening.” Both are extremely effective if, and only if, you choose to use them. Those two methods can go a long way toward keeping you out of my therapy office, keeping your money in your pocket, and building a much better relationship that is respectful and fulfilling.
Another communication method, one that I would love, love, love to see on TV, comes from our indigenous peoples (Native Americans). It’s called the “talking stick” method. The essence of the talking stick method is that there is an item, originally something akin to a staff, but it could also be a pen or a pencil. The person who holds the talking stick is able to say their piece without any interruption. After they have spoken everyone sits in silence for a brief time in order to let the words simmer in them. Then the speaker passes the talking stick to someone else for their turn to talk. Everyone gets a chance to have their say and everyone listens. (This is similar to the use of the word “Selah” in the Psalms. It is a musical interlude between verses that allows one to “pause and think on this.”)
If news programs were to use the “talking stick” method with their panelists I have no doubt whatsoever that it would bring greater understanding and respect, but then, I guess it wouldn’t make for “good television.”
Think about this in your next conversation: Are you waiting on pins and needles to get your point across or are you listening—truly listening—and listening to understand.
The disciple asked the master: What should a decent and respectful human being do to understand the real-world situation? What makes a human being out-of-touch with reality? After a few moments of quiet stillness the master answered: Always listen wholeheartedly to both sides and you will be enlightened; listen to only one side and you will be left in the dark.*
…and that’s the View from The Balcony.
*Source unknown. Adapted and retold by Philip Chircop sj.
Randy Weeks is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Telemental Health Provider, Certified Shamanic Life Coach, ordained minister, singer-songwriter, actor, and writer. Sometimes he’s little more than a bag of wind.
