WTF News by Sherman Smithers
OXFORD, MISS. (WTF) – The Oxford Police Department expects the Oxford Square, University and Jackson Avenues to experience prolonged traffic jams this upcoming Fall, especially on football game week- ends. To ease the pain for weary drivers who want to avoid the congestion, the department will soon roll out a plan which will allow travelers stuck on The Square or at house parties to make arrangements to be picked up by officers on duty. Chief Mike Martin is proud of the new initiative which he believes will benefit price-conscious consumers.
“Several taxi companies have popped up over the last couple of years and we hope to provide the citizens with a cheaper alternative,” Martin said while awaiting his to-go order at Shipley’s. “Have you had a little too much fun and coincidentally happen to be in public? Perfect. Just call us, explain your circumstances and we’ll do the rest.”
Though the department will pick-up stranded citizens from practically anywhere in Oxford, the officers have been instructed to only deliver passengers to one destination, the Lafayette County Detention Center. Along with providing transportation courtesy of the City of Oxford, the police department will provide room and board to guests, with the room rates depending on how they plead in court.
“The fees are negotiable,” Chief Martin insisted.
Oxford recently established five new bus routes to accommodate the increase in enrollment at Ole Miss. The routes offer special rates to K-12 students, the elderly and disabled, and children. Ole Miss students and faculty ride for free. However, the buses stop running shortly after 7:30 pm.
“That’s where we come in,” boasted Officer Kirk Bulkhead, a two-year veteran of the force. “Have a couple of drinks and we’ll drive you home,” Bulkhead said with a wink.
If potential riders are unable to operate their cell phone while on the square, the newly installed security cameras will survey the area and pinpoint which patrons deserve a free trip to LCDC.
This article is satire and not to be taken seriously. But seriously though, have a good laugh, y’all. Any similarities to persons living or dead, wearing badges, or to actual news personalities, is purely coincidental. 
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This article was originally printed in The Local Voice #137 (published August 11, 2011).
